A relationship that has been going on for almost 50 years with a guy I shall call Nick (short for nicotine). I quit him but succumb to his false charms and return to his arms. He is pleasure and comfort rolled into one and exerts an attraction that is, oh yes, physical. But he is also selfish, demanding, an expensive date and arrogant. And he smells. I have left him again and again. For periods that should have stuck. I deceive myself into thinking the enjoyment can be monitored, controlled, spaced out. But I am just fooling myself. He pulls me in like a fish on a line, closer and closer, until I can no longer say no. He is in control, just how he wants it. He has a mean, destructive side. He damages my self-image and makes me feel shamed. He makes me visit him in hide-aways where no people want to be, except his faithful followers. Nick is everywhere. He is my husband’s best friend and long-time buddy. I cannot escape him even at home. He is a constant temptation. I am on the wagon today and yesterday and tomorrow. But if I think I have truly severed our relationship, that I have left him for good, am I just fooling myself? Will my longing for him never leave me? I think not.
Nick, you are a shit. And I love you.
